I should be sleeping, but I can't. My heart is racing, my mind is going a million miles a minute, I feel as if I pace, I'm calming my nerves. I'm listening to my kids sleep and breathe. Questioning myself if I should wake Zoe up before midnight to give her one last taste of formula, but honestly I just want to hold her. I'm yearning for her to wake up so I can just sit, gaze and stare at my beautiful child. As I fed her the last bottle of the evening, staring at her big blue eyes, I felt as if she knew something was going on. Zander got to stay up late tonight and we were prepping him about "Zoe's boo boo". He's going to be heartbroken when she's not in his room this week. Zoe and Zander are two peas in a pod these days. She crawls after him and laughs and tries to pull herself on him, while he just giggles and says "oh baby". He gives her his trains and she sits and bangs on the floor with them (no hope with dolls, stuffed animals, etc., she only wants what Zander has). She loves giving him kisses (as well as everyone else).
I've had random outbursts of tears all day long. Pre-op went well. She had a chest x-ray, blood work and then we met with the surgeon's nurse practitioner and got our questions answered. We found out today that her heart is midline (in the middle of her chest). This will not hinder surgery, but does go hand in hand with Heterotaxy (remember Heterotaxy is where the organs aren't necessarily in the proper place). Her heart is extremely enlarged, it pretty much took up her whole chest. We hope once the holes are closed, that it goes back to normal size. We were told the worse case scenarios and that there is a chance of something else popping up that wasn't caught (although its rare), but with Heterotaxy, I've learned that you have to be more realistic that this stuff happens. I'm worried about her tricuspid valve and still worried that she may have some other defects as they were always worried about. They will be updating us every hour. She will be on bypass, will use the donated blood (father in law and Mike's aunt), her heart will be stopped for 2 hours, her ASD will be patched with her own tissue, her VSD either from a cadaver or they use Gortex (synthetic), she will have chest tubes, she will be intubated. I do not think I have the strength to see her. I've seen so many other kids, but I don't think I can handle seeing Zoe. I have to leave the room when she gets blood work done. How am I going to handle this?
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers. God works miracles, and I hope he continues to watch over my daughter. xo
It wont be easy, surgery never is. I wasn't sure how I could see my son after he had his open heart surgery but I manage. Just remember your there for her its hard to see them like that but every touch the sound of your voice will help her. You can do this Momma!
ReplyDeletebig hugs. it wont be easy but surgery never is. hugs and prayers
ReplyDeleteOh Mama, you can do this. I know it is scary... we had preop today too... I'll be watching your updates tomorrow. We're going in on Wednesday. Take deep breaths!
ReplyDeleteIt's already the morning of the 25th in South Africa and I got in early to ask God to clear his desk so that he can focus on the job of keeping watch over Zoe and her medical team as she has her surgery. Praying that you find the strength to get through this. When you see your precious babe post surgery just try and tell yourself this is necessary to get her well and focus on the end result. I don't for a moment know what you are going through but just know that you are not alone and that so many people are praying for you. I will be holding you and your family up in prayer all day.
ReplyDeleteYou will be able to see her, honey. It will be hard but you can and will get through it because Zoe needs you to. When she opens her eyes for the first time and just looking at you makes her feel better, you stop questioning if you can.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, after waiting and waiting during the surgery, I couldn't wait to see her. I didn't care anymore about how hard it would be, I just needed to see for myself thatshe was OK
My prayers are with you! Just know that God is watching over all of you! Hang in there! HUGS all around!
ReplyDeleteI was an absolute mess when my daughter had her surgery, it will get easier day by day and hey at least she was extubated same day as surgery my daughter was tubed for 3 days :( but Zoe is a fighter from what I've read. We keep her in our prayers along with all the other heart warriors :D Keep looking up Momma!!!
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