Pondering...

As I sit here listening to Zander's light snores and his sleep sheep, I'm patiently waiting for Mike's return with Zoe after her 2 month check up.  I'm so nervous she isn't gaining enough weight.  She has no chunk to her.  She's extremely long and feels heavier, but for her intake, we think she should be getting chunkier.  She takes 4 oz, sometimes 5-6, at each feed.  I'm also nervous for her shots.  That's why I sent Mike.  I tend to cry myself when I hear Zander cry at his shots.  Zoe already had a RSV shot which I never heard her scream so loud before.  When we left the NICU the doctors told us that if she was to get a fever of 100.4 or higher we had to immediately rush her to the ER due to her heart condition and chance of an immune deficiency since she's polysplenic.  I'm not sure if that's still the case (I'm sure it is), but there could be a good chance we're heading to the ER later on today.  Zander always got a fever after his shots.

I'm more nervous for tomorrow's echo.

As I think back to all the horrible days I had during my pregnancy and then look at my beautiful daughter, it truly amazes me how I got through the 5 months of "gloom".  I often think back to when our doctors "gave us the chance to terminate" week after week until we hit 24 weeks.  I often wonder how many parents get pushed to terminate because of the unknowns or possible outcomes.  I sit hear tearing up thinking of the heartache mothers have to endure to have that decision.  But what if the doctors were wrong?  What if their babies would be ok, just like Zoe?  She appeared so much worse in utero.  They basically had us assuming she would have 2-3 surgeries after birth, then more during her first year of life.  I do know that they can only see so much through fetal echos.

Mike met a woman at the gym whose daughter loves playing with Zander at the kids club.  She's currently pregnant with her 2nd child (3rd pregnancy).  Come to find out we share the same OB and she chose to terminate her 2nd pregnancy because they diagnosed her with Heterotaxy.  Mike listened to her explain what heart defects she had.  Her baby had a few holes, AV Canal Defect, CoA and HLHS. The doctors told her it would be a hard life for her baby.  I cried when I heard this story.  How can the doctors tell you this?  They have no idea truly until the baby comes out.  I thank God each night for my daughter and her wonderful outcome.  Mike and I would have never terminated, no matter what her diagnosis would be.  And I don't judge anyone who chooses to do so.  But this is why there needs to be more research done on Heterotaxy and Congenital Heart Defects.  Doctors aren't always right.  And boy have I learned that thus far.

So here's hoping Zoe is still doing amazing and growing like she's supposed to.  Hoping to push open heart surgery off another 6-10 months! :)