Assumptions...

I've been sitting here staring at the computer not knowing what to write or how to write how I feel at this moment.  I feel like my world has been turned upside down all in a matter in 4 hours.

Today was our growth scan and to determine if Zoe has Duodenal Atresia (double bubble in stomach).  I was so nervous this morning because I couldn't bear hearing any more bad or unsettling news.  At 2:00 p.m., Leslie our ultrasound tech, was so compassionate and really made us feel good about everything.  I had asked her to do a 3D shot of Zoe just so I could have piece of mind since we don't know whats going on with her.  She said she had no problem doing it for us.  Well I have a lot of excess amniotic fluid, due to the "double bubble".  However the doctor explained that she doesn't have Duodenal Atresia, but its another sort of obstruction. Basically what is going on is that when the stomach moves stuff into the intestines, there's blockage, so she can't release anything, its just being stored.  With having an obstruction, most women go into labor very early due to the excess of amniotic fluid.   At this point, we knew all this and expected this since this was seen last week.  Zoe showed all normal measurements, she looks alot like Zander (at least in utero).  She was breech and traverse at times and sound asleep when it came time for the 3D ultrasound.  And of course her hand was blocking her face.  But we got some ok shots and she looks adorable.  (for some reason my computer won't let me add her photos, so I will at a later date)

So we had a conference with my OB after the ultrasound to discuss everything.  I was actually in good spirits because to me no new news was fantastic.  I'm measuring at 35 weeks (i'm 28.5 right now) because of the amniotic fluid.  He said for us to be prepared that its very likely I will go early due to the amniotic fluid.  If there is too much they will do an amino to take some of the fluid out, but right now, he doesn't feel I need to do that.

It is definite that she will be transferred to Children's immediately to have the bowl obstruction fixed.

I asked his professional opinion this thought on Zoe having Down Syndrome or Heterotaxy.  This is where I became a mess....basically we have to assume she has Down Syndrome due to the double bubble and some of her heart defects.   I decided then I wanted to do the amino for my own piece of mind and for 100% certainty.  My doctor set it up with the Genetics department for tomorrow morning.

I've been a mess for the last few hours.  I'm not sure if I was in denial or just pushing the thought of having a special needs child out of my mind, but also having a heart baby, is just a lot to take in.  The Genetic Counselor left us a message at home today explaining that there is still a chance its just Heterotaxy.  However, with Heterotaxy being so rare (1 in a million) and Down Syndrome being more probable, seems like I have to assume Down Syndrome.

Some of us have tried so hard to become mothers, some are still waiting on becoming mothers, I just don't understand why some of us are put to extra measures to get what we want out of life.  God is throwing us extra curve balls, but I know there's a reason for it.  Zoe is our special baby and one day, I will realize why we have all these extra hurdles to overcome.   Pregnancy is a lot on any woman, emotionally, physically, etc.  However, this pregnancy has had many tears shed.  I need to thank the man upstairs for allowing me to be Zander and Zoe's mother.   One day, I will be happy again and it will probably be when Zoe and my eyes first meet.

I know Zoe having this syndrome is not the worst situation out there, I'm just grieving in my own way.  I need to do the amino so I can know for sure and have plenty of time to let it sink in before she arrives.  I have to look at the positives in all of this and realize that no one's life is perfect.  I look at my son and cherish every moment with him.  He needs his mommy to be strong.

So until I get the amino results back, nothing is 100%.